Guest Blogger: Unforgiving

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Since I can remember I’ve talked about dieting and longed for a flat stomach.  When I look back now, at my 12, 14 and 16 year old self, I can’t believe I ever doubted myself.  At 12, I resembled one of those African stick bugs.  At 14, I was just beginning to make the transformation from child to young woman.  At 16, I was roughly 5’7” and 135 lbs.  Yet, at 12, 14 and 16, you would’ve had trouble convincing me I was not “fat” or that my stomach, was indeed, flat.

I had my first child five days before I turned 17.  At 17, your body is ridiculously forgiving of pregnancy.  Sure I had a couple of light stretch marks but within two weeks I was back down to 145 lbs.  I started working out.  I had my fourth child at 30.  Body less forgiving.  My body at that point had been through four pregnancies and a number of attempted diets and exercise phases.  I’m soft and round and mushy.  My stomach is unequivocally not flat.  Does this make me any less intelligent?  Less attractive to my husband?  Less worthy?  No.  However, on far too many occasions I’ve made it clear, in front of my children that it does.

I cover up most of my self-loathing with humour.  I’ve made several references to my fat “sneaking out” from under my top or over my pants.  I’ve thrust my belly out and pulled up my shirt and made fun of it.  I’ve called myself a “potato on sticks” repeatedly.  I’ve let shopping trips destroy me when I can’t find something that fits.  And yet through it all, it never once dawned on me, an educated mature woman, that this was having an ill effect on my child.

It should have.

Because now at 13, she is petrified of being “fat”?  She fears she is already.  She is not.  She is beautiful in every sense of the word.  This has nothing to do with her weight.  But I?  I damaged this thought process in her mind with years of self-loathing, self-doubt and self-mocking.

What do I do now?  Quiet the repeated self-directed insults relating to weight.  Eat without commenting or referring to myself as a pig or cow or some other animal.  Dress to flatter myself and not worry about the number on the tag.  Encourage her to accept herself as she is and to recognize herself for all the beautiful things she is despite of her physical appearance.  And lastly, I take part in something like this that is a beautiful effort in and of itself to turn around this societal negative focus on body image and hope that someday, we can all be accepted and appreciated and loved for who we are and not what we are.

Angela Prior is a thirty-three year old married mother of four children.  Her children range in age from three to sixteen.  Three boys and one girl.  The girl is not the youngest (as most people assume).  She live in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, Canada and is a social worker.  She blogs at Driven and the PMS Chronicles.  She love Vodka, chocolate, music and TV, although not necessarily in that order.