This Is What An Eating Disorder Is, To Me by Dana of The Body and the Brood

Since I’m a psychologist who specializes in treating people with eating disorders, I get lots of questions: Why would anyone intentionally starve? How could that girl put her head in the toilet and barf? Why can’t those people just STOP EATING? I can tell you the diagnostic criteria for eating disorders in my sleep, as well as the characteristics shared by many people who struggle with food and body image (hello, perfectionism!). But these things don’t describe what it’s really like to have an eating disorder. They don’t explain the dark suffering and self-hatred; they don’t convey the loneliness, frustration, and disappointment.

I’ve written often about the experiences of others—friends, clients, people who have participated in my research. But I am just now starting to write from my own perspective, to share what it was like for me to be taken down by an eating disorder, as well as to climb the long ladder out. These thoughts are an amalgamation of what I experienced, as seen through the rear view mirror, as well as what I’ve had the chance to witness in others.

This is what an eating disorder is, to me.

• An eating disorder is an attempt at power.
• An eating disorder is a rebellion.
• An eating disorder is a fire alarm, ringing out and alerting the neighbors. Unless they sleep through it.
• An eating disorder is a white flag.
• An eating disorder is equal parts anger, fear, and shame.
• An eating disorder is an expression, when words go unheard, when signals are missed.
• An eating disorder is having so many feelings that they cannot be contained, that they must be expressed through the body, as no other way will do.
• An eating disorder is numbness.
• An eating disorder is full-throttle emotion.
• An eating disorder is a broken heart.
• An eating disorder is a dark room in which we hide. We go voluntarily, without realizing that the door locks behind us.
• An eating disorder is trying to be like her, or her, or her. Or him, or him, or him.
• An eating disorder is screaming underwater.
• An eating disorder is the thrill of being invited to an exclusive party, only to realize that everyone is pointing and laughing.
• An eating disorder is wishing away our sexuality.
• An eating disorder is a way to exploit ourselves sexually, to robotically inhabit our bodies without true connection to desire, tenderness, or passion.
• An eating disorder is a bed sheet, used to hide the mounds of flesh below.
• An eating disorder is running on a circular track to escape a painful past.
• An eating disorder is a way to say “you cannot control me anymore.”
• An eating disorder is a way to individuate.
• An eating disorder is a way to hide from connection.
• An eating disorder is a prison. But there are no visiting hours or conjugal visits.
• An eating disorder can feel like friend, but underneath is foe.
• An eating disorder is a genetic link to our past, and possibly one to our future. This makes us think twice about having children.
• An eating disorder is conforming to what others want us to be.
• An eating disorder is beating you at your own game: “You want skinny? I’ll show you skinny.”
• An eating disorder is trying to please you sexually.
• An eating disorder is trying to repulse you sexually.
• An eating disorder is a way to avoid responsibility.
• An eating disorder is an attempt to take responsibility.
• An eating disorder is a way to cope, which works in the short term but leaves us exhausted, defeated, lifeless.
• An eating disorder is believing that food is a ruthless attacker, who stalks and follows us wherever we go.
• An eating disorder is evaluating all things in terms of morality.
• An eating disorder is religion.
• An eating disorder is getting lost in a dark and dangerous forest, without breadcrumbs to lead us home.
• An eating disorder is pouring water into a glass with a hole in the bottom.
• An eating disorder is unique to you, or to me. But we have more in common than we know.

With great spirit, hope, and tenacity, an eating disorder can be defeated.

We must show ourselves, to ourselves, to the world.

Let us know: What does an eating disorder mean to you? And if it’s a visual concept, upload it to the Blogger Body Calendar Flickr group.

Dana Udall-Weiner is a psychologist with a private practice in Santa Fe, NM. She is also the mother of two girls. When she is not working with clients, spending time with her husband, attempting to sleep, or spooning strained carrots into the mouths of babes, she is writing a blog called The Body and the Brood.

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