Guest Blogger: On Surviving Divorce by Sheena

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The first time I heard the word “divorce,” I was in fourth grade – tiny, sitting on the floor in the den after ballet class. At the time, it simply meant, “Daddy won’t live here with us anymore.” As time went on, I began to realize it meant much more, and that it’s something that will be a part of me always.

Watching people we love suffer is never an easy job. I remember my mother attempting to hide her tears from my brother and me. But as her little girl, I always knew when she had been crying. My mission was not to cry. I wanted to show her I was strong, and I could be strong for the both of us.

I developed the ability to pack a bag quickly for the “every-other” weekend trips. I adjusted to the split holidays. I watched the wallpaper get peeled from the walls of the house I grew up in, and I came to accept the fact that my parents now had to ring doorbells to enter their separate homes. It was an odd thing that happened so quickly I couldn’t process the emotions I felt.

Both of my parents re-married in their living rooms. I remember standing there as they said their vows feeling like I should be overwhelmed with happiness, but mostly I felt numb. These people they were marrying were strangers to me. Should I trust them because my parents trust them? I didn’t have a choice. By the time the question crossed my mind, the rings were already on the fingers. Voila, step-parents.

The second time I heard the word, I was in high school. This time I felt far more prepared. I knew the process; there wouldn’t be any visitation arrangements this time, and I knew we would all move on. No need for too many emotions to be involved. It was during this divorce that I learned about finances.

Today, I am 25 years old. I have had four boyfriends, and each one of them will tell you I have scars from my past experiences of witnessing my mother’s loves lost. I struggle to trust people, and I tend to think “giving up” is always an option in a relationship, which it shouldn’t be, especially in a marriage.

But divorce also taught me a lot of good life lessons:

1. A relationship is about two individuals, not necessarily “a single unit.” I never realized that before they became “Mommy and Daddy,” they were two very different individuals. Now I approach my own relationships understanding that he and I have separate goals and journeys. I cannot force him to be where he isn’t meant to be yet, and vice versa.

2. People change and forget to tell each other. As a child, this was described to me as, “We’ve grown apart,” or “We want different things.” This taught me that communication is an absolute must. But not just any communication. Leave the name-calling and hurtful digs alone. Regret will inevitably follow if you use those weapons.

3. Love carries with it business aspects. The romantic ideas and words sold to us in movies and music are moving. But the financial landscape plays a large part in love. So know what you want, what your partner wants to the best of their ability and how they approach their goals. Observe their habits, if they’re a money saver or spender. Believe in their ability to accomplish their goals – financial and otherwise – but also expect in them the best always.

4. Love isn’t a fairytale. People don’t always end up in the safest relationships. In this case, don’t feel bad if your story isn’t the story shared with Cinderella and Ariel. A relationship needs mutual respect, friendship, support, forgiveness, fair communication, room to breathe, and responsibility. Everyone deserves someone who makes them feel good, who helps them when life is overwhelming and who respects their feelings (no matter how far in outer space the feelings may be). If you doubt yourself and your relationship and your future, by all means…leave, and do not feel bad.

5. Love regenerates. Love can be found and enjoyed regardless of age or history.

I recently watched my mother walk down the aisle to marry her third husband. I say this, not with embarrassment, but with overwhelming pride and joy for two things: 1) My mother has never given up on love, regardless of how many times it has blown up in her face 2) Love, hope and faith won.

According to research 45% of marriages end in divorce, half of those involving children. Those children will witness the dissolution of their nuclear family. Then, two-thirds of those children will witness their parents re-marry. Further, half of those children will experience divorce yet again, and another re-marriage.

As one of those, I would like to point out the key word here is “witness.” As children, we watch our parents, and we learn through observation. Having witnessed and lived through two divorces, I can say it has altered my view on relationships and marriage, but I can also say that through the emotional and financial struggles that are invariably involved in divorce: I survived, my mom survived, love survived.

My mother and me. She will always be my role model and best friend.

My little brother, Shane, and me. We have stuck together through it all.

My boyfriend, Nolan, who helps make me a better person.

Video of the wedding:

Sheena Jeffers is a graduate of Virginia Commonwealth University, and is currently a dance instructor in Richmond, Virginia. You can find more blog posts by Sheena at: http://www.sheenajeffers.com/blog