Guest Blogger: Understanding My Silence. I Can Finally Speak Out by A Daily Dose of Toni

Every Friday we feature a guest blogger, sharing a story, perspective or opinion. If you’d like to be a guest blogger, contact us to get involved.

People often wonder why women stay in abusive relationships. They don’t understand how someone could subject themselves or their children to something like that. I want to share my take on why. This isn’t something that will fit every situation but I was in a mentally and verbally abusive relationship (that turned physically abusive a few times) and I often wondered why I stayed. I want to share my story so you can get insight into the mind of me and what I went through and know that there may be others out there who felt the same. There is a reason those being abused (physically, mentally, or verbally) don’t speak up sometimes. This is my story…

My story of survivorship is one that starts years ago. When I was a little girl growing up my father was not around, it didn’t seem like a big deal, but as I grew up I felt a void. My mother did an amazing job of raising me with the help of family and I could not ask for a better role model in who I wanted to be when I grew up. Anyways, as I mentioned my father was never around and so as I got older I wanted that father’s love, so I turned to guys thinking that it would be the same. If I got attention (aka “love”) I fell quickly. I went from one relationship to the next thinking that the next one would be the one that made the hurt go away and fill that void. I met a boy in high school who I dated for quite some time.

This boy came into my life and was so kind and sweet. Cue the sappy love song music. However, after we started dating the yelling and anger began. He was very controlling and verbally/mentally abusive to me. I was whittled away to nothing in the esteem area. When I thought I was strong enough to leave he would threaten to kill himself. As someone who was barely hanging on to her self-esteem, the thought of someone taking their life was something I could not deal with. So I stayed, I stayed and I stayed. I stayed through the name calling, I stayed through the threats and even through being pushed around and grabbed. A lot of people question why women stay in abusive relationships and I can’t speak for everyone but I can speak for me.

You would think that I would have looked for the love I didn’t get. I thought I was. He had a way of making me feel more love than I thought I had, despite the physical, emotional or mental abuse he was dishing out. Sickening right!? I hung onto the “love” he had for me. I felt like my father didn’t care and I lost so much esteem over the years from failed relationships (that I put myself in) the moments of “love” when he was nice outweighed everything else. He said he cared about me more than anyone ever could have, and when he said those things I felt like he did. In his own way he may have.

I was made to feel bad about most of choices I made. If they didn’t go along his line of thinking they weren’t right. He said because he loved me things made him angry and without me his life would be over. There were threats to harm friends and family and so for fear of another person getting hurt, I stayed. After all, wouldn’t you rather endure it than have another person hurt? Some abusers may even threaten the children and as a parent you would rather stay and subject yourself to the abuse so that way the abuser doesn’t change course and hurt the children. I was lucky that this was before I had children so it was only my life, there were no children to threaten.

There were times he threatened to kill or hurt himself. Now I know you are probably thinking…that’s what she should let them do. But I was so broken down that if it had been “my” fault that someone killed themselves I would have broken. In that frame of mind, I could not deal with something like that so I stayed. I remember clear as day the time he called me and said he had a gun to his head and if I did not get back to my house (I was at a girl friends house) he would kill himself. I could not breathe and called my mom in hysterics to please go check on him because he couldn’t kill himself. I couldn’t deal with that on my conscience and I didn’t want to lose him either because I “loved” him.

I hear so many people say they are annoyed or get angry that someone is staying in an abusive (whether physical, mental, or verbal) relationship and that makes me hurt inside. Being abused whether emotionally, physically, or mentally is not something you can even begin to understand unless you have been there, so what right do you have to question anyone’s choices. It’s so hard to fathom it unless you have been there I am sure. The best thing you can do is not question or judge but rather be there. Let them know it’s okay not to be silent, help them be strong. I know that is what ended up working for me. If I had not had people in my life to help me through and give me strength to get out I don’t know where I would be now. I shudder to think of it.

I think abused people are afraid to speak out because of the judgments and “why did you stay so long’s”. The first step is helping them see that they are in a relationship that is very unhealthy, until they see that (and this step could take the longest as it will have a lot to do with self esteem and feeling like you can stand up on your own), it’s just something normal. It’s what they know.

I am so thankful to have made it through what was one of the worst times in my life. I am now happily married with three beautiful children and know what I didn’t know then. I know what real love is and I want that for every other person as well. It took years of healing, as I am sure it will with others in this situation, but if you are in a situation like I was know you can get out and over time you will gain strength, support, esteem and everything you thought you didn’t have. You will heal and you will find love, real love. Find someone who can help you.

Toni is a Christian wife and mom of 3 who loves to share her life, cooking and favorite products with you. Established in 2007 her blog JustStopScreaming.com started as a simple way to keep family updated and has transformed into a blog of many colors.  Keep up with stories of parenthood, daily life and much more over at A Daily Dose of Toni. You can also find A Daily Dose of Toni on Facebook and on Twitter @ToniPatton