Guest Blogger: A Story of Survival and a Better Bond Between My Body And I by Devan of Unspoken Grief

Every Friday we feature a guest blogger, sharing a story, perspective or opinion. If you’d like to be a guest blogger, contact us to get involved.

I have never had a great relationship with my body. There have been bad years and good years but never was our relationship as strained as it was when my husband and I decided to start trying to conceive.

Our bodies are built to reproduce – it’s what my body was supposed to do. I never had any doubts that when I needed my body it would be there for me. It was not as easy as that for me – or my body.

My body and I have survived ten miscarriages. It was a very tough six years and though I have physically healed, the emotional healing is still ongoing. But we have survived.

During that time – after it became apparent that growing our family was not going to be as ‘easy’ as I had thought it would be – I had a very deep hate for my body. I could not get over the fact that holding onto a pregnancy – to grow a healthy full term child – was beyond my body. It seemed so simple yet it kept me from what my soul wanted and repeatedly hurt me to a level I can’t put into words.

We began a few year battle of hate and questions. Why was my body failing me? Why did my body hate me so much and how could I fix this? It was a painful struggle.

But we have survived.

The isolation I felt compounded my pain. The grief and impact of miscarriage was not something I was familiar with – no one was talking about it and it seemed to make people uncomfortable. Death and grief naturally make others uneasy but the death of a ‘fetus’ and the grief left from a ‘failed pregnancy‘ were not understood, not supported and not talked about.

As part of my healing I needed to talk about it. I needed someone to listen and I needed my Angel Babies to be acknowledged. I needed the silence to be lifted, the stigma to be removed and for the isolation to be replaced with a loving and understanding community. Having the opportunity to connect with others who have been in a similar situation has really allowed my healing to begin. Understanding that I am not alone is an amazingly powerful healing force.

That is how we survived.

My body and I have reconciled – we have grown to a better understanding of each other. I can now see just how strong my body and mind are and all of this is because of what we went through together.

Unspoken Grief is the brain child of Devan McGuinness – a survivor of 10 miscarriages and a mother to 3 living children. Diagnosed with luteal phase defect, progesterone deficiency and Factor V Leiden, Devan noticed a real hole in support for women and families who have been through miscarriage. Her passion for breaking the silence of miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal loss drove her to create a safe, supportive space for everyone to raise their voice and have their stories heard.  Devan is also the author and editor of the website Accustomed Chaos ™