Guest Blogger: I Burned The Toast by Melissa from Paths From My Soul

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“What did you do today?” the lady at the end of the table asked.

I smiled broadly and exclaimed, “I burned the toast!”

I looked around the table at the blank, confused faces. I was still beaming. I’d made a HUGE step today and I knew it was a big deal. I knew that once I explained, they would be smiling as well.

“Let me explain. This morning I was rushing to get ready for college. I had to get both the kids dressed, fed and to daycare. My books were still out from where I’d fell asleep the night before studying. And I still wasn’t dressed yet. I popped some cheese toast into the toaster oven and ran to get dressed. Only, I forgot about the toast. I didn’t realize I’d put it in until the awful smell of burned cheese reached me in the bathroom. I ran into the kitchen and pulled open the toaster oven door. Instantly, that old familiar fear took over me. I frantically rushed to open the doors and windows, hoping to make the smell disappear. I grabbed the hot burned toast with my bare hands in an attempt to get it outside before it was seen. I jerked open the fridge door so fast while trying to get more cheese that all the contents in the door fell onto the floor. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t think. I had to fix it before HE came into the room. I felt something on my arm and jumped backward. Standing there was my 4-year-old son

‘It’s OK Mommy. It’s OK,’ he said. He was so calm, so peaceful. I was confused. Why wasn’t my son scared? Then, instantly, I understood. HE wasn’t there! We were safe!!

I looked around at the children and my apartment. Our home. A place HE didn’t know about! I laughed out loud and grabbed both my children to me as tears streamed down my face. It really was OK!! I wasn’t going to get in trouble for burning the toast. I wouldn’t be hit, kicked, cursed, or raped. It was OK!”

As I finished telling the events of my morning, I looked around the faces at that table and saw their smiles. These women understood. Many of them were still living in the Battered Women’s Shelter. Some of us had gotten our own homes. All of us knew what it was like to be beaten for something as small and insignificant as burning the toast. That’s why we were all here, sitting around the table at the Domestic Violence Support Group.

I’d like to say that I never ended up in a “bad” relationship again, but that would be far from the truth. I spent years on my own, single mom of two kids, and happy. Hard times came and I got depressed. I ended up in another abusive relationship. Although I decided really quick  that it was over, he didn’t agree.  It was a long, scary road but the children and I finally got away. I wasn’t even in my mid 30s yet but there I was… divorced twice, restraining orders against both ex-husbands (not to mention the one against husband number 2′s mistress). I was a single mom of three children now, instead of the two I raised alone before. I wasn’t sure of anything. I didn’t even know what to do next.

That was a while back. I’m still not quite in my mid 30s, but definitely closer. I am now happily married. I have three gorgeous children. I can leave the dishes in the sink overnight, and even go days or weeks without shaving my legs and not fear. I can sleep late if I choose, wear what I want, and visit with my friends. I can receive phone calls and go out to eat. I can buy the children the clothes and shoes they need and even get them things they don’t need. I can go to bed when I choose. I can cook what I want and not stress if it didn’t come out perfect. I can stay in the shower as long as I want to! I can spend all day at my aunt’s home getting my hair done. I can attend church and pray WITH my husband. I can sleep at night without fearing hands around my throat or violent rapes.  I can say, “No” and it be respected. I am ME and that’s OK.

Marriage isn’t easy after having been in two violent ones. I learned in domestic violence counseling to protect myself and to never open myself up unless I was 100 percent sure of the man I was with. Yet, when you’ve lived with an abuser, you are never 100 percent sure of anything afterward. My husband and I are learning that trust means you are not 100 percent sure, but you believe anyway. I’m learning that God loves me just as I am, and that He doesn’t see me as “damaged goods.” I think JJ Heller says it best in her song “What Love Really Means” when God says, “I will love you for you, not for what you have done or what you will become, I will love you for you, I will give you the love, the love that you never knew.” I’m learning not only to forgive others, but to accept God’s love so that I can truly love others.

Life isn’t always easy when you’ve survived hell on earth at the hands of another. But it sure is fabulous when you know that, day or night, regardless of hour… you can burn the toast, and it’s OK.