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FBW: To Just Breathe by Nicole from In These Small Moments {Ms. March}
FBW stands for Featured Blogger of the Week. Each week we will feature one of our calendar ladies or gentleman. Mondays will be a post written by the FBW and Wednesdays will be an interview of the FBW. If you want to know how you can be a part of the Blogger Body Calendar project, please click here.In my previous relationship, I was afraid. At first, of glares, words, slamming doors, squealing tires.
Later, of being shoved, grabbed.
It has been more than seven years since I’ve been out of that relationship.
In the years since, I have built a life based upon joy, trust, and happiness.
I have found in my husband unconditional love and endless respect. I now know what it’s like to feel treasured and protected.
We have brought two beautiful children into this world and we are teaching them what it means to truly love.
What it means to feel safe.
What it means to be able to just breathe.
I planned to use this space to write words of encouragement, of speaking up, being brave. Leaving.
And a while ago, as I sat down to write, I briefly checked my blog traffic and my blood ran cold.
He found me. He found my words.
He found the post I had wrote about my life with him…the post that brought me such tremendous catharsis.
And I panicked. He spent four hours on my blog. Four hours.
I went into full fight-or-flight mode and reacted out of fear.
I immediately pulled the post down and my husband blocked his IP address.
Pure panic. I was swept up into the past.
My blog has been my space. A place for me to share my happiness, my family, my joy.
Having him there as an uninvited guest made me feel violated and afraid.
I barely slept that night, as I tried to make sense of it all.
How did he find me? What does he want? Is he angry? Does he wish me harm?
In the weeks that followed, I kept my eye on my traffic, just waiting for him to return.
I spent days worrying.
Those words that I planned to write here now feel hollow.
But slowly, the panic is moving through me.
And that panic is being replaced by anger, anger at myself for allowing him into my mind. For allowing him to make me feel afraid. For allowing him to rob me of even one moment of my happiness.
I don’t want to live my life in fear.
I am not that woman anymore.
I want him to stay far from me…from my blog. My words. My story. My family.
I have unblocked his IP address because I cannot and will not live in fear of him.
But, the post I wrote will stay down. For now, at least.
The panic I felt when I knew he read it made me realize that I still have some work to do.
Honestly, I am shocked by my own fear. Shocked that he elicited such a visceral reaction in me. After all these years.
A setback.
I’m reminded that healing is a process.
That process, I have learned, may mean many steps forward and a few back.
And I’ve also realized that that’s okay. It’s okay for things not to be black and white. Afraid. Or not.
It’s okay to be somewhere in between.
What matters most is the forward movement.
I will continue to surround myself with my family… my amazing husband and our children who envelope us in their love.
I will breathe them in and find strength in them.
I will continue on my path of healing.
Because this life is mine.
Nicole, Ms. March, authors in these small moments, her blog about finding meaning and beauty in the ordinary moments of parenting, of life.
Author: Allison @ Alli 'n Son
Allison is a slightly OCD momma (yes, M&Ms must be eaten in pairs of matching colors) who blogs over at Alli ‘n Son and tweets at Alli_n_Son. She’s the momma of a spunky, energetic, and frustrating two year old boy. You can often find her up to the knees in potty training, bubbles and all things balls. She’s also a wanna-be photographer and gourmet chef, a highly creative woman and one-time graphic designer, all rolled into one.42 Comments to “FBW: To Just Breathe by Nicole from In These Small Moments {Ms. March}”
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This is something all women should read….even before they begin dating, I think. You are strong and powerful, and you will win.
Much love to you, my friend…
Thank you, my beautiful friend.
Your friendship is one of my greatest joys.
Nichole,
Kia Kaha. (Be strong)
Bill in NZ
Kia Kaha…I love that.
Thank you.
You are such a brave, strong woman and I know, without a doubt, that the cloak of love that you’ve drawn around you will keep warm and secure on this journey.
Lots of love coming your way.
Thank you, Mandy. You are such a lovely friend.
Oh Nicole, I can’t imagine the fear you hold within you but I can almost feel the strength. It comes through you in every word that you have written here. You are amazing and strong and winning.
Sending so much love and strength, even though you have plenty.
When I was much younger, I saw life in black and white. But now? I have found that the shades of gray are infinite. That fear and strength can coexist is proof of that.
Thank you for your kind words, my sweet friend.
Nicole, I had chills reading this. You are such a strong and brave woman. I can only imagine the depth of emotion that you felt all those years ago, and then again when you made this discovery. Much love,
Thank you for coming to read, Elena…you are so lovely.
Nichole,
You are a strong and amazing woman. You are fearless and you are strong in the moving forward and putting that part of your life behind you. That he elicited fear only means you are human. I think that reaction is what keeps you strong because it shows that toy are not a victim of your past but that you have moved through it and come out the other end in much better place.
Stay strong mama. You are blessed in so many ways. This man no longer has a hold on you. XO
Thank you so very much for your encouraging words. You can’t begin to know how much they mean to me. xo
Oh Nichole, I am sorry he found your space, your world. I vehemently wish he wouldn’t have caused you even one more second of fear or worry.
I know, though, that you are strong, you are brave, and most of all you are loved and creating a life for your family that is buffetted in love and safety.
It’s ok to know that there is still healing ahead of you; this beautiful life of ours is nothing else if not a journey, and you have managed to find a special path to walk along with Katie, Matthew, and Craig.
Much love my friend, xoxo
Healing truly is a process – one that’s almost never done. Keep moving through the grey as best you can. Keep moving on. You’re doing great.
I hear your story.
They are difficult ones to write, because we can’t believe that’s what our lives were.
It will help to be in print, because some woman may see this, and realize, we cannot stereotype who this happens to.
I know this is why you wrote here.
I did try to tweet, but frozen screen over and over!
I’ll try again, N.
xo
Also, the past is the past.
You are not alone anymore.
You have your husband.
I hope you read the words from here, as they are said: with encouragement.
You’ll make it through.
You have your husband.
Oh, wow. How did you know it was him? I can definitely understand why that frightened you. I am so proud of you for your resolve to move forward and stay strong. No one has a right to take away your peace!
This piece is vulnerable and strong at the same time.
You have it in you to heal. You have a husband and children to help you and support you in that process.
And you have your friends. Both near and far.
Your words are important because you show it’s not as easy as just saying, “I am strong, I will fight” and having it be done. It is a cyclical process…and sometimes that cycle brings you back to the fear and hurt. But each time you get through the fear and hurt you are even stronger.
Each time.
Wow, Nichole. I ‘m sorry to hear that you went through such a terrible experience in your previous relationship. But I am so impressed by your journey to healing and the courage you have to share that with all of us. There are so many of us still going through abusive relationships and it is very hopeful to read the experience of someone like you who has been able to break free, move on and even be empowered enough to share what you’ve learned with the rest of us. I admire and adore you. xoxoxoxo
You are so right, healing is a process.
But now you have a wonderful husband to lean on….and move forward.
So proud of you for writing about something so important. I for one hope that you eventually re-post your original story. I think all women should read it. But I understand why it is down for now.
xo
I don’t think there will ever be a day when I don’t admire your strength and courage – not only the fact that you got out in the first place, but in sharing this part of your life with us. And especially now, when you’re choosing to stand up and claim your life and your power. Really incredible.
I remember reading that cathartic post you wrote – it was the first post I ever read by you and I remember being amazed and impressed by your empowerment when you chose to leave him. I’m so sorry to hear that he found you and can only imagine the violation you felt when you realized it. And while you’re vulnerable in your fear, you remain strong in your resolve not to let him get to you. And you have a wonderful support network around you – I know because I follow your husband on Twitter and have witnessed his compassion and love and protectiveness of you. And for these reasons, I know you’re going to be just fine, my friend.
I’m thankful that you shared these words and feelings with us. I can’t imagine the pain and fear that you’ve gone through, but I know that those experiences have only bettered you as a wife, mother, and woman. You’re strength is so admirable, and you and your husband have built a wonderful, loving foundation for your children. Hugs to you, Nichole, and thank you for sharing this with us.
You seem like a very strong woman and you can overcome this. I was moved by your words and want my 2 daughters to read it and make sure they value themselves in their future relationships.
I understand why you pulled down the original post, but I also encourage you to eventually put it back up again. You posted it in a community of friends and support…that community is still there. But remember, EVERYTHING you say online can be viewed by ANYONE! So don’t be surprised if he continues to read what you are saying. Maybe it will make him re-evaluate his actions…maybe not. But you have to take care of yourself, in whatever way you need to.
Bless you, and stay strong.
lovely woman, you are one of the bravest women I know. you inexplicably radiate kindness and love despite your trials. this bastard does not deserve fear. and you know that in the love you give, you’re stronger than he’ll ever be.
I can’t even imagine how violated you must have felt after all that time. But I’m so glad you are showing us your courage and strength. Your life, as it is now, is beautiful and wondrous. I’m glad you aren’t letting him take anything else from you.
Just keep moving forward, my friend. Keep moving forward. xo
Oh, Nichole! That gave me chills! I just wanted to throw up a fence around your whole family to protect you. You are a brave soul. Thank you for your strength. You are an inspiration.
Oh Nichole, you are so strong and brave and loved. I admire you for showing such amazing qualities. I’ve written my story, similar to what you just spoke about, and I’ve found myself worrying if he will ever find it. But you’re absolutely right, moving forward is what matters.
Sending love, hugs, and thoughts your way!
There are so many layers that make you, YOU. Wonderful, wise, appreciative, graceful YOU. You have so many stories to tell, so many reasons you could pose as excuses, yet you don’t. You have such a light, and I find such poise in everything you do. You are brave, and far too powerful to ever let him bother you again.
I’m sure many other women will find comfort in your bravery, Nichole. Kudos to you for sharing.
I have had that feeling of violation. The woman mostly responsible for my dad’s death and abuse of my family found my blog two years ago. Just horrifying. This is me feelin ya all the way.
I have chills. Absolute chills. The feelings that you’re going through, although I’m sure completely normal, are feelings that I can’t relate to. I’m thankful that I can’t, but I’m hurting with you right now. I’m scared with you, too.
I think what you’re doing is right. You turn to the person that you trust the most to protect you right now and it’s your husband. Stay strong and remind yourself constantly that your’e a new person and this person in your past doesn’t have to control you the way they might have before.
I love you.
Me
This gave me chills the first time I read it, and again this time. It’s beautiful and I am so proud of your strength…then for leaving and now for sharing.
xoxxoxxo
Oh Nic, this was so honest and real that I was literally holding my breath reading, ready to pounce or attack anyone who would hurt you.
I come from an abusive household and I can still be reduced to “shirking” or ducking when a hand comes to close or a touch too rough…even when they was no malice behind it.
I am so proud of your bravery, for sharing this and not being afraid, for standing up to the evil of ur past and saying “never again”
I’m crying tears for you…and so glad that today, in this moment you are safe, sound loved…you deserve that and so much more! Xo
I can understand you initial reaction, and good for you for being so strong to unblock his IP address and continue on.
[...] who I am honored to call a friend, wrote a post over at Blogger Body Calendar 2012 about how her ex found her blog and spent 4 long hours reading all about her current life and how [...]
Wow. I’m sure that felt like such an invasion. I’ve written about past relationships before, and I cannot imagine how I would feel knowing it was read by him. So chilling. Healing is a process! You sound like a strong woman! Found your link on Monster Likes.
I’m shaking for you. What a terrifying thing to discover.
This isn;t going to come out right, but I hope some part of him was happy for you and your wonderful blessed life. But four hours?!?…. that would freak me out.
Thank you for sharing your story. All women should read this!
Oh Nichole, I was panicking for you just reading that. I would have reacted the same way, but I’m so proud of you for moving on. Love and strength.
Wow. This is truly terrifying! I was in a bad relationship 13 years ago. I actually ran into the guy a few months ago and completely panicked. I can’t imagine how scary it would be to have the person find you online and spend so much time reading your blog. You’re a very strong person! Thank you for sharing this.