Guest Blogger: The Signs Were There By Natalie

Every Friday we feature a guest blogger, sharing a story, perspective or opinion. If you’d like to be a guest blogger, contact us to get involved.

I never considered myself a victim of abuse; I never even considered myself abused. Back then – when I thought about abuse – I thought about blood, broken bones, scars, and trips to the emergency rooms. None of those things had happened to me.

Sure my ex-husband occasionally said horrible things that I still can’t repeat. Sure he broke me down emotionally, making me actually believe that I could never amount to anything. And sure, okay, sometimes he shoved or pushed me, or grabbed me so hard by the arms that there would be fingerprint bruises left as a reminder of just how bad I had screwed up.

But this happened 20 years ago…long before the Internet. I mention this because before the Internet, information wasn’t as easy to come by (or to spread for that matter). If you missed Oprah the day that a woman was talking about domestic violence, and you didn’t set your VCR to tape it, you were out of luck. None of my friends or family were in abusive marriages or relationships (that I knew of at the time). These things weren’t spoken about openly. Of course friends knew that my relationship was rocky, that my ex treated me a lot worse than I deserved to be treated, and that he drank too much. But abuse? No, that word was never spoken.

Since I am being honest, I grew up in a very similar home: my dad was verbally and emotionally abusive and drank a lot. He was never physically abusive, though. By marrying my boyfriend, I ended up just repeating what I already knew, even though I swore I never would marry “someone like my dad”.

The signs were all there when we started dating: he was controlling, jealous, practiced “do as I say, not as I do” in all areas of our lives, drank too much, and flew into rages. But I was sure that it would all change when we got married, that things would get better. Because love conquers all. My immature emotions and experiences wouldn’t let me see the reality of the situation, and as I said, information to the contrary wasn’t readily available.

And of course I told myself that maybe sometimes I did deserve whatever my ex was saying or doing to me. Here’s a dirty little secret I kept to myself for a very long time (even after our divorce): Sometimes I would taunt him, push him with my words in hopes that he would hit me. Because then at least I would have a reason to leave him. Nobody would expect me to stay in a relationship where I was being abused, would they?

I did end up leaving after 8 years of being together and 3 years of marriage; I had to for my sanity’s sake. I was literally falling apart (panic attacks, insomnia, fear, depression) and I couldn’t live that way any longer.

Now, after all of these years, and after being in a healthy, loving relationship for 11 years, I can look back and see what a horrible situation I was in. That I was a victim of abuse. That him just pushing me occasionally was physical abuse. And I am so proud of myself for getting out of that situation. For finding courage and self-confidence to pick myself up and move on to find positivity in my life. To find a man who helped re-build my self-esteem and self-respect.

But you know what? When Nichole asked me about my abuse, if my ex-husband ever physically abused me, my response (on Skype) was: ” I always downplay it. He pushed, shoved, let bruises on my arms, but didn’t really “abuse” me. Ha ha. I know it’s abuse, but I still have a hard time admitting it.”

I openly share my story with anybody that asks or is willing to listen. Why is there a stigma for me still? Why am I still so ashamed to admit that I endured abuse?

I wanted to write this piece to share with other women who are currently in abusive relationships that YOU CAN GET OUT. YOU DO DESERVE BETTER. YOU WILL SURVIVE WITHOUT HIM. It will be the hardest thing you ever do, but it will also be the most fulfilling thing that you ever do. Seek help…through family, friends, your church, a trusted co-worker, wherever, but seek help. Because you really do deserve it.